I Feel Mistreated: How To Deal With Difficult People -

Feeling mistreated can knock the wind out of you. It can leave you asking, “Why does this keep happening?” or typing “I feel mistreated” into a search bar at 2 a.m. Whether it’s a cutting comment from a colleague, a partner’s dismissiveness, or a friend’s repeated take-take-take dynamic, the pain is real. The good news: you can respond in ways that protect your dignity, reduce future harm, and move you toward a more meaningful life.

This guide blends Existential Analysis (Viktor Frankl; Alfried Längle), behavioral psychology, and practical communication tools (Vanessa Van Edwards; Shadé Zahrai; Marshall Rosenberg; John Gottman) so you can go from reactivity to calm, values-based action.

1) Name It First: “I Feel Mistreated” Is a Signal, Not a Sentence

When you hear yourself say “I feel mistreated,” treat that phrase as data. It signals that one (or more) of your core existential needs is being frustrated:

Space & Safety: Do I have room to exist without fear or coercion?
Connection & Belonging: Am I being treated with basic respect and care?
Authentic Self: Can I show up as I am without having to perform or shrink?
Meaning & Purpose: Are my actions and relationships aligned with my values?

Existential Analysis invites a simple reframe: instead of “What’s wrong with me?” ask “What is life asking of me in this situation?” That question shifts you from shame to agency.

Micro-practice
Write one sentence: “What I think is happening is…” Then one more: “What matters to me here is…” You’ve just stepped from confusion into clarity.

2) Create the Space to Choose (Frankl’s Freedom)

Viktor Frankl’s classic insight: “Between stimulus and response there is a space.” When you feel provoked, your nervous system speeds up; the space vanishes. Your job is to re-create that space so you can choose a response that serves you.

Try this, in the moment (20–30 seconds):

Pause your body. Plant your feet. Unclench your jaw.
Exhale slowly (4–6 seconds).
Name your anchor value (e.g., respect, clarity, fairness).
Respond in one calm, short sentence. (Gottman’s research shows neutral, measured tone keeps conflict from escalating.)

Short sentences matter when someone is escalated; the brain processes brief, concrete language better under stress.

3) Rational Detachment: Their Storm, Your Shore

“Rational detachment” means you recognize the behavior without letting it define you. It’s not apathy; it’s boundary-wise compassion.

Their behavior is data about them, not a verdict on me.
I can feel compassion and keep my edges intact.
I can validate feelings without agreeing to mistreatment.

Boundary phrases that are calm and clear:

“I want to understand you. I’m happy to continue when we can talk respectfully.”
“I’m not okay with being spoken to like that. Let’s reschedule.”
“That request doesn’t work for me. Here’s what I can do…”

This is where self-efficacy (Bandura) lives: a belief in your ability to influence outcomes by how you show up.

4) Validate Without Surrendering Your Ground

From Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg) and relationship science (Gottman): validation reduces defensiveness.

Observe (remove blame): “When meetings run over and I’m interrupted…”
Name impact: “…I feel dismissed and scattered.”
Request (specific): “Next time, could we stick to the agenda or set a follow-up?”

You’re not begging for decency; you’re setting the standard for it.

5) The Best-Self Lens (Zahrai) and Social Cues (Van Edwards)

Leadership psychologist Shadé Zahrai often speaks about leading from your best self—composure, clarity, and values-alignment. Before responding, ask:
“What would the calmest, strongest, most mature version of me do here?”

Behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards reminds us that people “read” us through cues (tone, cadence, posture). To avoid fueling conflict:

Keep your tone lower and slower than theirs.
Use neutral facial expressions and steady eye contact.
Speak in short, clear sentences (especially when the other is agitated).

Your nonverbal cues are a powerful part of your boundary.

6) When Patterns Persist: The Boundary Ladder

If “I feel mistreated” is a pattern, climb the Boundary Ladder:

Name the behavior calmly: “When you roll your eyes while I’m speaking…”
State the impact: “…I feel disrespected and shut down.”
Request the change: “Please let me finish my point before responding.”
Consequence (kind, firm, proportionate): “If it happens again, I’ll pause the meeting and we’ll reschedule.”

Boundaries are requests with consequences. Without the fourth step, they’re wishes.

7) Self-Compassion Is Not Self-Excuse (Neff)

Research on self-compassion shows it predicts resilience, grit, and mental health more reliably than self-esteem alone. The tone you use with yourself after a hard exchange determines whether you spiral or stabilize.

Try Neff’s three-part practice:

Mindfulness: “This hurts.”
Common humanity: “Others struggle with this too.”
Kindness: “May I be patient and strong with myself.”

Self-compassion is fuel for wise action—not a reason to stay stuck.

8) The Mountain Framework: Choose Your Next Step

Use our Mountain Framework to diagnose and act:

Landscape (Perception of Reality): What are the facts vs. my assumptions?
Backpack (Acceptance & Endurance): What weight is mine to carry? What can I adjust to lighten it?
Storm Clouds (Anxiety): What fear is driving this? What’s one controllable action?
Mirror (Self-Worth): How would I treat a friend in my situation? Offer yourself the same dignity.
Fellow Travelers (Relationships): Who supports me? Who drains me?
Compass (Orientation): Which value guides me right now—respect, fairness, courage?
Hourglass (Time): Where does my time go—toward or away from what matters?
Fog (Feeling Lost): What small light do I already have—one clue, one next step?
Goals: Given my values and reality, what’s the smallest meaningful move?

Then use Personal Existential Analysis (My Decisions) to decide:

Thoughts/Cognition: What’s the balanced perception of reality?
Emotions: What values are at stake? What options exist?
Value-Based Decision: What choice best serves my dignity and meaning?
Activity: Take the smallest step now.

9) Scripts for Common “I Feel Mistreated” Moments

At work (dismissive colleague)

“I want to hear your input. Let me finish this point, then I’m all ears.”
“I’m not comfortable with that tone. Let’s reset and continue.”

With a partner (sarcasm, stonewalling)

“I care about us and I want to resolve this. I need respect in our talks. Can we try again when we’re both calmer?”
“That comment felt demeaning. I’m going to pause and will come back when we can speak kindly.”

With a friend (persistent one-sidedness)

“I value our friendship. I’ve felt dismissed when my updates are brushed off. I need reciprocity to keep investing here.”

Each script blends validation + boundary + request—firm but human.

10) If It’s Toxic or Unsafe

If mistreatment escalates to harassment, abuse, discrimination, or threats, your priority is safety. Document specifics, limit contact, seek organizational or legal support, and reach out to trusted professionals. You’re not “overreacting” when you choose safety.

11) Build Back Your Inner Ground (Daily)

Strengths practice (Dweck; VIA): Name one strength you used today.
Micro-wins (Baumeister): Choose one tiny action that honors your value (email, boundary phrase, 10-minute walk).
Grounding: 5–4–3–2–1 sensory check when emotions surge.
Connection: Speak to a “fellow traveler” who reflects your worth back to you.

Small acts done consistently restore confidence after mistreatment.

12) When “I Feel Mistreated” Hangs Around

If the phrase “I feel mistreated” keeps repeating, zoom out:

Is this person a repeating source—or is this pattern showing up in multiple places?
Are you over-tolerating due to people-pleasing, fear, or a learned script from the past?
What value-based boundary could change the system—even if it’s uncomfortable?

Meaning often asks for courage: to speak, to leave, to redesign, to begin again.

13) Your Next Right Step (Purpose in Practice)

Meaning isn’t abstract. It’s what you choose next.

Write your anchor value for this situation (e.g., respect).
Choose one boundary phrase you can use this week.
Pick one micro-win that proves you’re on your own side.

Then reinforce your momentum with guided support:

FM Reflection Cards – to surface needs and values.
Mountain Cards – to map your landscape, backpack, fog, and compass.
My Decisions Cards – to move from reflection to value-based action.

And if you want structured, compassionate practice, explore our ebook:

📘 Quest for Meaning: 10 Exercises on Purpose
Guided reflections rooted in Existential Analysis to help you align actions with values and design a life you respect.
Get it here: Quest For Meaning

References

Bandura, A. (1997). Self-Efficacy: The Exercise of Control. W. H. Freeman.
Baumeister, R. F., Vohs, K. D., & Tice, D. M. (2007). The strength model of self-control. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(6), 351–355.
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Updated). Harmony.
Längle, A. (2014). The search for meaning and the existential fundamental motivations. Existential Analysis, 25(1), 4–10.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.*
Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (3rd ed.). PuddleDancer Press.
Van Edwards, V. (2017). Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People. Portfolio.
Van Edwards, V. (2022). Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication. Portfolio.
Zahrai, S. (2021–2024). Leadership and mindset talks & writings (TEDx, LinkedIn articles). (Practical insights on best-self leadership, emotional mastery, and boundary-wise communication.)

If you’re navigating mistreatment right now, you’re not alone—and you’re not powerless. Your boundaries, values, and voice can reshape the moment. Choose the next smallest meaningful step—and take it.