No more nagging! Transformative Tips for Talking with Teens
By Sherry Skyler Kelly, PhD & Kaitlyn E Kelly (Co-Founders of PositiviTeens®)
Today’s teens are experiencing higher rates of anxiety and depression than ever before due largely to the COVID pandemic (NIH/CCD 2021https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/press-briefings/2021/12/13/press-briefing-by-white-house-covid-19-response-team-and-public-health-officials-72/?utm_source=link). Although they have good intentions, parents may not realize that their communication style and what they choose to focus on might be making their teen more distressed. How can parents engage their teens in conversations, instead of battles? How can parents speak in a way that doesn’t sound like nagging? How can teens understand what their parents nagging is really about?
Both parents and teens often feel like they are “walking on eggshells” when trying to communicate with each other. Problems typically arise from communication breakdowns when setting limits or boundaries. If you find that your attempts to speak with your teen is actually causing more anxiety or stress in your relationship, then it’s time to transform how you communicate. Need parenting advice? Try these communication strategies for transforming one-sided conversations into greater understanding of your teen.
Choose Your Battles
Decide which battles you want to pursue and, before you advance, ask yourself if it is really that important. This is particularly true for older teens. From a teen’s perspective, if you get so upset about the “small stuff” in life, how can they trust you enough to share the “big stuff”. For parents, do you really want to expend energy on arguing about what your teen is not even that bothered by (eg. clothes, torn jeans, hair). Parents should ask themselves what is so uncomfortable that you seek to notice it, or stop and identify what is making you so uncomfortable. The important issues take precedent. The nagging about the small stuff might actually indicate that a deeper conversation is needed about boundaries, rules, and expectations.
Be Consistent & Be Concise
Communication problems and subsequent arguments can arise if the boundaries, rules, and expectations have not been confirmed way ahead of time. When parents change the rules or limits, it can feel punitive to your teens. Be careful not to change the rules or consequences as you go along. This is akin to crazy-making for teens. Their teenage alarm system of “That’s Not Fair!” goes into overdrive. Why was it ok last week, and now it’s not? Write down expectations and rules with your family’s involvement. Have your kids and teens invested in the process of creating clear expectations, responsibilities, rules and consequences – before problems begin. A good time to re-evaluate the rules is when your teen begins high school and before they start driving.
No Need To Add Logs To A Hot Fire
Parents often say things out of concern, or because they are anxious about their teen. Their intended message, however, sounds like nagging or (worse) a command. How a parent delivers the message really matters. Often, teens are not responding to the content of the parent’s statement, but (instead) the way it was stated. As a result, the argument becomes about the words used or the tone, instead of the original message. Instead of stating it in an authoritarian or controlling way (“You better be home by 10 PM!”), think first about what you actually wish to convey to your teen (“I love you and worry about your safety. I want you to enjoy yourself, yet I also want you home safely by our agreed curfew time”).
Identify The Words That Ignite That Heated Argument
Do you know the words that set off negative responses in your teen? Do you know their words that will set off the negative reaction in yourself? By now, you probably know what buttons to push in your teen because you put them there. Resist the temptation to launch a stealth weapon of words to retaliate or hurt your teen because of your own pain, or perceived loss of control. The key is for you and your teen to respond effectively, rather to react in a power move.
Never Start A Sentence With ‘Don’t’
Even if it is “Don’t forget to…”, the word “Don’t” can actually have the opposite effect and your teen will forget the message, or ignore you completely. Instead, you can choose words like “Remember to…” or pairing the reminder with gratitude. For example, try saying something like “We really appreciate you stopping by the market today and helping us out.”
Be Alert To The ‘But’ Word
Another word to be on alert for is the “But” word. The “But” word is like putting on the brakes. For example, saying to your teen “I know you want to go out, BUT it’s a school night!” will most likely start a chain reaction of arguing. Imaging saying the following, instead. “I know you want to go out, AND it is a school night. How do you see this working out for both of us – what is a good game plan?” The “But” word can not only spark a negative reaction, but it can also herald an oncoming excuse or deflection. The “But” word is also something to be tuned into with your teens because it’s akin to them “putting the brakes on” due to fear. For example, “ I tried to get a job, BUT I have no experience!” Take that “But” as an indication that your teen needs assistance due to fear or lack of knowledge. The ineffective response mode for a parent would be something akin to “That’s just an excuse!” A better response mode is to explore what is behind the “But”. One way to do this is for you to help yourself or your teens switch out the “But” with an “And”. What happens if you ask your teen to try that same sentence about the job seeking (see above) this way? “I tried to get a job, AND I have no experience!” This statement states a fact and it can lead to problem solving, rather than just having the breaks on.
Never Criticise Or Judge Emotions
Even well-meaning parents can make the common mistake of judging the emotions or feelings expressed by their teens. Emotions should not be criticized or judge by anyone. “That’s silly”, “You shouldn’t cry”, “How can you be depressed, you just had a vacation!”, or “You shouldn’t feel hurt, what did you expect?” are statements that a parent might make in an attempt to bring rational reasoning into an outpouring of emotions that evokes their own discomfort. What these statements are bringing, however, is not comfort or rationality. Instead, these statements can feel invalidating to your teen. Also, when we diminish the feelings expressed by our teens it is actually training them to not trust their emotions. If you don’t know what to say, ask them to tell you more about their feelings. Validate the emotions by acknowledging what they have shared. You can always say in an authentic way, “Help me understand”.
Keep Your Ego Out Of The Battle
This goes for both parents and teens – Remember, you are not your ego. Try to recognize your ego like an automatic default mode of feeling frustrated, insulted, not getting what you want, annoyed, or disrespected. Our teens might say something that bruises our ego, or even causes a chip in our pride. Let those statements be observed, but resist the temptation to react. Stay out of the fray between your higher self and your ego, if possible. You can stop, take a breath and observe your emotions. Think about what those emotions are trying to tell you or alert you to – before you react.
Stress & Procrastination Is Often Resistance
Stressful feelings can stem from “resistance to what is”. Both you and your teen should explore what you might be resisting. It could be resistance to changes, resistance to an unpleasant chore, resistance to moving beyond your comfort zone or knowledge zone, or resistance to changes. Stress can also be compounded by procrastination. Rather than focusing on the action of procrastinating, try instead to explore what the fears or knowledge gaps are underlying those behaviors and the accompanying stress.
Give Over Some Control & Responsibility
Give your teen the opportunity to express what they would like be more in control of in their lives, and within the family. Provide opportunities for them to take responsibility for planning trips, outings, dining out and events. Also, allow your teen to have a role in decision making. You may find that your teen will want to spend more time with you if they have a stake in the action.
Explore Each Other’s Expectations
Do you and your teen have different expectations? Having different expectations results in disappointing experiences, arguments, unhappiness, and communication problems. Explore your respective expectations about each other and within yourselves. Honestly seek to understand your teen’s expectations about themselves, and you as the parent. It could be very different than you realize. Expectations about education, academic performance, college prep, summer jobs, university applications, and preparing for adulthood should be reviewed with each other way in advance. Too often, important conversations that are avoided due to the very communication problems addressed in the strategies (above). Focusing the conversation on expectations can provide neutral territory for understanding each other’s viewpoints. For example, if you want to discuss planning for university, start the conversation objectively by asking “Hey, where do you see yourself going to university and why?” or “What are your expectations about what a university experience should be like for you?”
Prepare In Advance For Difficult Conversations
Preparing in advance for difficult conversations can diminish stress, focus on relevance, and promote purpose-driven communications. Before you even attempt an important conversation, carve out a time and place that works best for both yourself and your teen. If it is really important, then respect your teen enough to have a serious conversation at a time and in a place that is private, without distractions, and convenient for you both. It’s important to give yourself time and not set it up as a “Oh, by the way…” conversation.
Establish expectations of what you want to learn from the conversation or gain from the conversation with your teen. Is the conversation about concerns you have for your teen or is about changing a behavior? What is your purpose in having the conversation and how do you imaging it will best bring about your goals? For example, before you start a conversation about their grades, prepare in your mind the script your teen will probably read off to you. Prepare for your teen’s possible reactions (storming off, door slamming, yelling). Prepare in advance for how you should appropriately respond to them with support – maybe it’s just listening and thanking them for sharing honestly what is going on in their life. Prepare your response set to their hurt, their frustrations, and their anger. Even if your teen yells at you, don’t yell back. Remember the goals of your primary intention in having the difficult conversation. One of the goals should be to gain greater understanding of each other. The key is to respond rather than react. Remember that your attitude is more important than any words you will say.
Kaitlyn E Kelly and Sherry Skyler Kelly, PhD, are the mother-daughter team who co-founded PositiviTeens® workshops and webinars. Kaitlyn is a student, author, and advocate for global access to mental health care. Dr Kelly is a clinical psychologist and clinical neuropsychologist in private practice in West Hartford, CT.